It’s the unofficial first day of summer or some such made-for-TV cliche. The passing of Memorial Day means it’s time to dig out the white shoes you packed away Labor Day. Break out the plaid shorts and striped shirts. Drop the top and point your convertible toward the setting sun for beach, babes, and bikinis.
What’s that? You’re a photog? And you’ve spent the last 9 months nurturing a soothing winter coat of fat and hair to keep you warm during those late night December live shots? And May sweeps had to too busy to and too drunk to even consider doing anything about it?
To look good on the beach you need more than cargo pants, work boots, concert jersey, and a full sleeve tattoo of stories past. Never fear, Turd is here with a patented and proven workout guaranteed to trim your waist but not your billfold. It’s called PhoJo-sthenics.
No gym memberships. No expensive weights. No fancy DVDs or video tapes. And the best part? You can get into the best shape of your life, while the bossman pays you. That’s right, bulk up on the beancounter’s dime on the way to your assignments with a few tried and true exercises.
Camera Curls: Take full advantage of that electronic lump you usually sling over your shoulder. Simply curl it seven or eight times a day as you load and unload your trusty news car at each different location. If you’re really out of shape, we suggest starting with something light like a baby-cam.
Tripod Shrugs: I know the reporter offered to carry your sticks, but really, he thinks he’s above such manual labor. Keep the Ken Doll happy and crush an impromptu trap workout by loading your tripod on your own shoulders. You know you’re carrying Ken’s ass anyway.
Overhead Camera Extensions: Next time you’re stuck at the back of the scrum, don’t curse your luck, bang out a set of this classic tricep exercise while you get that crappy shot of the front photog’s left ear.
Cardio: Key to any successful weightloss program is cardio. PhoJo-sthenics has plenty. But we’re not talking that regular run-and-gun stuff. That’s for mere mortal photogs. At Turd’s Gym, we go hard or go home. Strap on your camera, run bag, tripod, and the station’s new 40-pound Live-U unit and take a lap around the meeting room. Don’t forget to low-hurdle over any rugrats or small animals. After only a few weeks, you’ll have enough stamina to impress the new intern.
Diet: The other important component of weightloss is diet. As a photog, your screwed. Drive-thrus are tempting, and the cake and cookies viewers send to the newsroom to show their appreciation are a death trap. And let’s not forget the pizza the boss buys when he’s trying to suck up.
So forget it. You’re a photog. You are destined to be an overweight slob.